I am writing for those that are just not in a position to face their story yet. I want to say thank you to a very special family member for your words of encouragement.
Part 3 -
Into my life walks a tall, light-skinned football looking guy, he had a great smile, he was on the bit of the chunky side but in a good way, he seemed well liked and was CUTE! He was a bouncer at the Baldwin Theater and I worked at the Wendy's next door. He was the first man to tell me that I was pretty, that I was beautiful. Which totally contradicted what my mother drilled into my head, but I did not take it as warning at all, I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. I was 19 year old, a virgin, never been kissed, what I knew about men/boys I learned in my 6th grade six education seminar!!! I left the nest go married and had baby; it seemed like a wonderful dream; a handsome husband and a beautiful baby girl. I remember thinking I AM FREE Mommy has no say here, I am grown, she can't touch me, my husband will protect me! What did I know at 22 years old, but in my mind I survived HER and I deserved to be HAPPY. There were signs of a breakdown, which I ignored simply because I was afraid to be alone, I did not know how to be alone, so I just kept plugging away. I took vows before God and man that I took to heart and quite seriously. There was mental abuse, physical abuse, lying, cheating and the like. After 20 years of this, (of which I can say I was no complete angel, it does take two to tango), the volcano that was my husband was erupting big time!
November 2006 my big handsome husband had eyes for someone other than me...my baby sister!!! Yes you heard me...my baby sister 10 years my junior. I confronted him about what I had found out he became angry and threw into a window and attached me, he choked me in right in front of our daughter, not even the sign of her watching was able to stop him. the police were called and he was carried away spent 4 days in jail. Me and kids moved out during which time he called me incessantly, wanting to talk and see the kids. After 2 weeks apart I want back. I know what you thinking, "This was her chance to get away" but I still loved him (crazy as it may seem) and I was filled with too much pride and most of all I did not have a clue how to take care of myself and two kids. Two years to the day of the first incident despite his failing health (a diabetic on dialysis) he managed to get into a fight with his brothers and on the ride home he flipped out and beat our 17 year old daughter and punched me in the face all in front of our 8 year old son. He took my car keys, house keys, office keys, threatened to put his own head through the window if I called the police and that they would take the kids away and take both of us to jail. I believed him. The kids and I spent the next year and a half in family court and criminal court. He threatened me, called child protective services and tried to sue me for custody of our son. I AM STILL HERE! But that is just it, because I am still here is the exact reason to celebrate.
To celebrate that what/who didn't kill me had made me stronger. Yes I know it sounds like a tired cliché but it really is true. I did not allow my story to end there, my divorce was final was August 2009, but if you ask me, I believe that is where my life, my real life began. With all this pain in my life, what in the world could my purpose be? What if anything did I learn from these experiences? These past 6 years has really been an eye opening experience. I have been hurt, had loss, joy, more pain, happiness, excitement, ups, downs, been scared, had highs and lows, but most of all it was the personal revelations. Nothing compares to learning about yourself, realizing what you are capable of, just what you are made of.
Healing my heart for my purpose.
Until next time...
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