Finding Purpose from Pain (Part 2)

Even with all that I had to contend with at home, I excelled in school, not that Mommy noticed or even celebrated any of it, it was the one thing I wasn't getting a whooping for.  By this time I had come to the conclusion that she was CRAZY and I needed to do whatever I could to stay out of her way at all times.

Now Mommy is 5'3" woman, who I was scared to DEATH of, if she gave me that sideways look and her lips poked out just a bit, I knew what was going to happen in the not too distant future.  Outside of our house everybody loved her, she would be smiling with people while they commented on how well behaved we were or how well mannered we are, as she beamed with pride. (Taunk you chile) I am still floored that she never caught any of my "looks" the  "What the Hell" look, the "Oh No She Didn't " look and my personal favorite "If You Only Knew" look that would pop up on my "ugly" face!!  

As time went by, I thought what I was going through at home was normal; I would go to school and say to myself..."If everybody else could handle this so could I".  So I put on my happy face and pushed myself, because let's face it, according to her I was not going to be winning any beauty pageants, so I had to do something, anything that she would be proud of, so that she can love me.  I did everything possible...if she spoke favorably about one of my counterparts at the Kingdom Hall, then I tried to emulate what they were doing so that she could speak of me favorably too.  I found myself trying to be a copycat of whoever she spoke kindly of.  It wasn't until a few years ago that I finally realized that Mommy just did not have the social skills to communicate effectively to get her point across, and I think she just didn't care to.

My Dad lived at home but his job as a long haul truck driver kept him on the road for sometimes months at a time.  So why couldn't he recognize the pain in his baby girl's eyes and on her face when he came home?  Why couldn't he see I was screaming inside?  I later discovered that he knew what she was doing and chose to run away and save himself!!!  At any rate I felt alone, abandoned, confused and scared.  Could there have been some education nugget in this experience?  Did I miss some vital piece of information that would keep this from impacting my life in a negative manner?  I was too blinded by my circumstances to see what was coming!!! Hell!!! to see what was already in front of me.

Healing my heart for my purpose....

Until next time