Finding Purpose from Pain (Part 3)

      Before I get started on part 3  I just would like to say that I did not think I was going to get much fanfare about my story, about my life. It is not about how many comments I get, I wanted to tell my story so that perhaps they will help someone else.  I am so tired of us hiding in shame about our struggles, about our insecurities and obstacles.

      I am writing for those that are just not in a position to face their story yet. I want to say thank you to a very special family member for your words of encouragement.

Part 3 -

        Into my life walks a tall, light-skinned football looking guy, he had a great smile, he was on the bit of the chunky side but in a good way, he seemed well liked and was CUTE!  He was a bouncer at the Baldwin Theater and I worked at the Wendy's next door.  He was the first man to tell me that I was pretty, that I was beautiful.   Which totally contradicted what my mother drilled into my head, but I did not take it as warning at all, I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame.  I was 19 year old, a virgin, never been kissed, what I knew about men/boys I learned in my 6th grade six education seminar!!!  I left the nest go married and had baby; it seemed like a wonderful dream; a handsome husband and a beautiful baby girl.  I remember thinking I AM FREE Mommy has no say here, I am grown, she can't touch me, my husband will protect me!  What did I know at 22 years old, but in my mind I survived HER and I deserved to be HAPPY.   There were signs of a breakdown, which I ignored simply because I was afraid to be alone,  I did not know how to be alone, so I just kept plugging away.  I took vows before God and man that I took to heart and quite seriously.  There was mental abuse, physical abuse, lying, cheating and the like.  After 20 years of this, (of which I can say I was no complete angel, it does take two to tango), the volcano that was my husband was erupting big time!

     November 2006 my big handsome husband had eyes for someone other than me...my baby sister!!!  Yes you heard me...my baby sister 10 years my junior.  I confronted him about what I had found out he became angry and threw into a window and attached me,  he choked me in right in front of our daughter, not even the sign of her watching was able to stop him.  the police were called and he was carried away spent 4 days in jail.  Me and kids moved out during which time he called me incessantly, wanting to talk and see the kids.  After 2 weeks apart I want back.  I know what you thinking, "This was her chance to get away" but I still loved him (crazy as it may seem) and I was filled with too much pride and most of all I did not have a clue how to take care of myself and two kids.  Two years to the day of the first incident despite his failing health (a diabetic on dialysis) he managed to get into a fight with his brothers and on the ride home he flipped out and beat our 17 year old daughter and punched me in the face all in front of our 8 year old son.  He took my car keys, house keys, office keys, threatened to put his own head through the window if I called the police and that they would take the kids away and take both of us to jail.  I believed him.  The kids and I spent the next year and a half in family court and criminal court.  He threatened me, called child protective services and tried to sue me for custody of our son.  I AM STILL HERE!  But that is just it, because I am still here is the exact reason to celebrate.

     To celebrate that what/who didn't kill me had made me stronger.  Yes I know it sounds like a tired cliché but it really is true.  I did not allow my story to end there, my divorce was final was August 2009, but if you ask me, I believe that is where my life, my real life began.  With all this pain in my life, what in the world could my purpose be?  What if anything did I learn from these experiences? These past 6 years has really been an eye opening experience.  I have been hurt, had loss, joy, more pain, happiness, excitement, ups, downs, been scared, had highs and lows, but most of all it was the personal revelations.  Nothing compares to learning about yourself, realizing what you are capable of, just what you are made of. 

Healing my heart for my purpose.

Until next time...

Finding Purpose from Pain (Part 2)

Even with all that I had to contend with at home, I excelled in school, not that Mommy noticed or even celebrated any of it, it was the one thing I wasn't getting a whooping for.  By this time I had come to the conclusion that she was CRAZY and I needed to do whatever I could to stay out of her way at all times.

Now Mommy is 5'3" woman, who I was scared to DEATH of, if she gave me that sideways look and her lips poked out just a bit, I knew what was going to happen in the not too distant future.  Outside of our house everybody loved her, she would be smiling with people while they commented on how well behaved we were or how well mannered we are, as she beamed with pride. (Taunk you chile) I am still floored that she never caught any of my "looks" the  "What the Hell" look, the "Oh No She Didn't " look and my personal favorite "If You Only Knew" look that would pop up on my "ugly" face!!  

As time went by, I thought what I was going through at home was normal; I would go to school and say to myself..."If everybody else could handle this so could I".  So I put on my happy face and pushed myself, because let's face it, according to her I was not going to be winning any beauty pageants, so I had to do something, anything that she would be proud of, so that she can love me.  I did everything possible...if she spoke favorably about one of my counterparts at the Kingdom Hall, then I tried to emulate what they were doing so that she could speak of me favorably too.  I found myself trying to be a copycat of whoever she spoke kindly of.  It wasn't until a few years ago that I finally realized that Mommy just did not have the social skills to communicate effectively to get her point across, and I think she just didn't care to.

My Dad lived at home but his job as a long haul truck driver kept him on the road for sometimes months at a time.  So why couldn't he recognize the pain in his baby girl's eyes and on her face when he came home?  Why couldn't he see I was screaming inside?  I later discovered that he knew what she was doing and chose to run away and save himself!!!  At any rate I felt alone, abandoned, confused and scared.  Could there have been some education nugget in this experience?  Did I miss some vital piece of information that would keep this from impacting my life in a negative manner?  I was too blinded by my circumstances to see what was coming!!! Hell!!! to see what was already in front of me.

Healing my heart for my purpose....

Until next time

Finding Purpose from Pain (Part 1)

Finding purpose from pain sounds farfetched and even a little unrealistic.  But just indulge me for a moment and ask yourself this...

What purpose can be derived from pain? How can pain turn into a purpose, my purpose?

The definition of pain is... physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury.  I am guessing this is why when pain comes we believe that we are done for in that moment, allowing the pain to become the eraser of lives.  We also tend to build a foundation on that pain that we make the staple of our lives.  The pain comes in varying degrees; some like a their in the night that sneaks in the exposed areas of our lives that have not been protected.  Other pain is self inflicted through our own choices, decisions or actions, which for all intents and purposes feel great when the decision is being contemplated; but in hindsight was not such a great choice.  Then in a lot of cases the pain comes at the hands of someone else; could be someone close to you or someone that loves you. 

Stephen Blandino, a Pastor in 7 City Church in Fort Worth, TX, put it this way: "Now we know we can't stay in our pain forever, a determination must be made what to do IN your pain and then what to do WITH your pain.  Eventually we have to decide what to do WITH it.  It takes both (IN and WITH) to successfully navigate pain, IN our pain, we learn to trust GOD".

Looking for something to protect us from pain is our natural tendency.  We use food, exercise, work, our children, sex, sports, alcohol, drugs and each other as a way to protect ourselves, in an effort to file away the pain so as to minimize its effects.  Soon our mental file cabinet gets too full, the drawers cant close, and it starts to spill out and overflow.

Until about 6 years ago I was convinced that my experiences was just who I was, because I allowed my pain to define me.  From the time I was six years old until I left home at the age of 18, I was physically and mentally abused by my mother.  I have had my tooth knocked out from a brush that she threw at me, my face burned with a pressing comb, because she said she was trying to wake me up so she can finish my hair.  I had been beaten with telephone cords, iron cords; my hands beaten with knives, a Lysol can thrown at me which cut my chin open.  Once she even tried to put my head down the garbage disposal, in an effort to free myself I hit my head on the cement tile on the counter and busted my head open.  I had been called ugly and good-for-nothing so often by her that I felt...well she is my mother she must know what she is talking about.

She  told me she hated my smile and I was not going to amount to anything.  Being the Christian woman that mother claimed to be (Jehovah Witness), I remember thinking I never wanted to be like her if I grew up!  I never thought for a moment that I was going to be a grownup, I knew she would kill me way before then.  So I decided to take matters into my own hands. At the age of 13 I tried for the first time to kill myself, by drinking rubbing alcohol.  Maybe if she were to find me dead, she would mourn me, she would cry or something and then I would not have been such a disappointment to her.  By the age of 16, I made two more attempts, after the third attempt I just resolved she was right, I am good for nothing...I can't even kill myself right.

 Healing my heart for my purpose...

Until next time